Question 1:
I'm 23 and my fiancé is 26. We've been going out for 2 years now. After a couple of rough patches (differences in opinion have caused a lot of arguments lately), I've come to notice that I no longer lust after him. I love him with all my heart and don't understand why this is happening. Sex in the beginning for us was amazing and very often. My orgasms were really strong and I wanted my partner all the time. About 6 months ago I went through with a termination that both of us took very hard, but through it all, there was never any blaming and we got through it together. From the surgery, my insides were very dry and that sex burned and was painful. We had very little sexual contact for those six months. I do get aroused, but not because I want my partner, more because my body is responding to his advances or the thought of having it. But when my partner shows me attention, my body just seems to shut off! It upsets me as I know my partner deserves to be wanted, and I want to want him. He is afraid that he is doing something wrong, or different but I doubt very much it is anything like that. Has all the arguing changed something in me mentally? I desperately want to fix this as I love him so much and I want to be with him wholeheartedly again. Just to clarify, I do not look for advances anywhere else, he's the only one I want and yet my body just doesn't want to react. Why is this happening? Thank you for your advice. It is very much appreciated
Jenny
Answer 1:
All sexual relations diminish over time or at least, get less magical. Certainly arguments will affect libido and performance because we're not robots. Sex is very personal and linked to our emotions. There are any number of reasons for decrease in interest and frequency but in your case, I think it's specifically to do with the termination. Even if you don't regret it on a practical level, under the surface there could be unresolved grief. You say you can respond physically and you love your fiance so the cause is probably some underlying emotion. My educated guess is that you're afraid of falling pregnant again. You may be taking precautions but these feelings are not rational. I suggest you get some closure from this event in your life, let your body heal, do some deeper grieving and then move forward to a happier stage.
Question 2:
I've just met someone really nice and I hope it can become more than friendship but I want to take it slow. My problem is that the guy rings me every day, asks me to go out two or three times a week and I'm feeling really pressured. It also happens to be a particularly busy time for me at work so all in all, it's not good. Id I ask him to give me some breathing space, will he think I don't like him? I don't know what to do.
Fran
Answer 2:
Call time out to start with as you're sounding really stressed, and from what you say, you have every reason to be. Part of a healthy relationship is considering the other person's feelings and this guy isn't doing that. Your first move should be to toss it down and explain the situation without implying any criticism. If he can't give you the understanding and space you need right now, it's probably better if things don't progress any further. If you are to have a future, it's best to start as you mean to go on so have the courage to risk losing him rather than making yourself ill trying to please him. Caring for others should never mean damaging ourselves. If he doesn't know that, you will not be happy together. This type of thing only gets worse, never better, if not sorted.
Question 3:
I've been in a new relationship for a few months and am enjoying it but I've still been seeing my ex although on a strictly platonic basis. Our relationship was a long one and ended badly so I was pleased when she made overtures recently to see me again. I've been totally honest with my new girlfriend but she keeps asking me if there's any chance I'm going back to my ex. I've told her I can't totally rule out the possibility. I suppose I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too but its early days in my new relationship and I have history with my ex that I want to preserve. Am I wrong?
Brett
Answer 3:
Whilst I advocate honesty in relationships 100%, I do think you're expecting too much of your new girlfriend in this situation. You say you haven't shut the door on going back which tells me you still have feelings for her beyond friendship. It's great to stay in touch with exes as long as the parameters are clear. In your case, I think there was unfinished business and perhaps your ego needs to believe your ex still wants you. It's not really fair to keep both women on the line and your girlfriend's insecurity is easy to understand. I'd suggest you stop seeing the new one till you're sure where you stand with the past. Once it's resolved, you can move forward with the woman you choose and just be friends with the other if you still wish.
Question 4:
I met a wonderful guy online. We are compatible in everything except that I'm a lot heavier than he likes and I haven't told him the truth about my weight. I am dieting for health reasons, not for him. Should I stop communicating with him until I lose the excess pounds?
Rose
Answer 4:
Many people `gild the lily' online, in other words, make themselves out to be more than they are. You basically did this and now you're regretting it. Fix it before it gets worse and you lose all chance of having a real relationship with this guy. At some stage, he's going to want to see you in person and if he finds out you lied, that may end any future you could have. Why not tell him exactly what you've told me - that you're overweight but working hard to lose it. He'd quite likely to admire you for this. If, as you say, you're compatible and really like each other, trust that and don't assume the guy is shallow enough to drip you like a hot potato just because of your weight. If he does indeed do this, you don't want to know him anyway. You are not your weight.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Thursday, July 5, 2007
New Questions - July 2007
1/
Why do you think some couples wish to remain friends even after nasty and/or painful break ups?
Ken
A/ I don’t know that this happens as much. People who are in very hostile relationships stay together to work through their own anger, aggression and issues etc. Once the break is finally made, what would be the value of seeing each other? If they do, it would be toxic and not really friendship unless one or both radically changes. Relationships are based on pay-offs. We engage in them for a variety of reasons. If we're in one that's very painful, we're probably relieved when it's over. However, if two people were friends to start with, if breaking up is done with love, warmth, respect and dignity, they can remain friends. Though I usually advise a lapse of time after a break-up before friendship as such is attempted. If only one person wanted to break up or the actual separation was very bitter, it would be virtually impossible. Forgiveness is also a key factor, of course. And desire for friendship. All relationships are challenging and friendship between sexes is especially so but very worthwhile when it can be achieved.
2/
Hi Charmaine,
I am 32. You may find my situation unusual or plain weird, but here it goes:
About a month ago a very shy 26 year old girl got a job in the company I work for. At first no one talked to her, and I felt attracted to her in a way that I have not felt for a long, long time – sixteen years actually. We never exchanged many words at a time or had a decent conversation, but in a little while she finally started loosening up a little and communicating with other people in our department. I thought my effort has paid off and I felt very good indeed for it.
About a week ago, she started sending discrete flirting signals – many times over a couple of days I would catch her looking towards me and she would give me a broad smile when our eyes meet. She would find little excuses to get physically close to me – using my fax ever though she had six fax machines closer, borrowing my access card even though she had her own etc. Every time she was very careful that no-one could see us together. Gradually we started talking longer and more frequently.
My feelings for her grew stronger and I thought we might have some chemistry building up. Until then I did not want to rush with anything: I am a very shy type myself and I would never ask a girl out unless I have real feelings for her (a one night stand for me is an absolute no-no). So far I was committed to a relationship only once as a teenager.
Then one day she walked by and I gave her my warmest, most honest smile and locked her eyes for a couple of seconds. It seemed as if that very moment scared her to death and she instantly froze. After that I tried to strike a conversation with her a couple of times, but she seems to avoid me like a plague. The worst thing of all was when I realised that I had feelings for her I have not had for a girl in many years.
I know she is not a player but everything in her recent behaviour is confusing me to despair. I am hoping your expertise may shine some light on the situation.
Thanks in advance,
Darren
A/
This girl likes you as a friend and she obviously enjoys flirting with you but when you nakedly exhibited your feelings, she backed off. She then seemed to regret her playful friendship with you because she realized you got the wrong idea. Believe me, you don’t want to walk into a situation based on unrequited love and that type of pain. This girl has been leading you on a bit but probably didn't mean to hurt you deliberately. You have romanticised the situation. That’s why she’s distancing herself. Just be a friend for now – that’s what she really needs. Anything else will have to wait and if it’s meant to be, it will happen. Working together further complicates matters as things could get very tense if she begins to feel pressured by you.
I understand that your feelings are strong but you don't really know this girl so it could be just infatuation. Relax, don't take yourself too seriously. Many people get scared off by strong feelings too soon. Relations between men and women are very confusing at times so play it cooler and trust the future. If it's not this girl, there'll be another who might suit you even better.
3/
Hi Charmaine,
I'd just like to let you know that I took your previous advice and have finally dropped my boyfriend. He continued with his irrational behavior to the point where verbal insults were directed.
We started going out in the beginning of January after I wrote to you, it was good while it lasted, his sister got married and we had a wonderful day, but it wasn’t long after where he started again...
A month ago, I went over a girlfriend’s house after work and he became very abusive on the phone when I called him later that night. He called me all sorts of things. I could not believe this as I thought he had come to his senses and he promised me that he would behave and try to change.
Later on that month, he told me that he wanted to get engaged and later this year get married because he thinks that our lives and everything is to difficult and causing us to fight and that by getting married would change things.
Last Sunday, we met up and he told me that there needs to be changes if we want this relationship to work. I listened and thought they were ridiculous:
We are not seeing each other during the week because he works late and he is tired so only weekends.
If we go out to dinner or movies, we are to pay our own way
When I go out, he doesn’t want me to tell him and he won’t ask. The same with him; I'm not allowed to ask him what he is doing and he wont tell me.
So basically he wants us to have less communication and give each other space... I cannot live with this, it is just more pain, I can’t handle anymore. He is pushing me away and I think that is no relationship to have. It might as well be friendship.
So I have told him the way I feel and said that I think it is best that I just end it.
I feel lonely and bad for dropping him but know I have made the right decision. Do you agree? Can you give me any advice besides keeping myself busy? I just feel so lost now.
Thank you,
Amanda
A/
Thank you for your follow-up letter. It's always good to get feedback and I'm happy to offer further advice on your situation.
The first important message is that marriage is NOT a remedy for a bad relationship. It's hard enough even for very positive couples.
His list of conditions didn't take your wishes into consideration. It's a great idea to suggest strategies for improvement but they can't be edicts! It needs to be negotiated. Also, you're right in saying that those new rules basically created more distance rather than better communication. You made a brave and self-loving decision to end the relationship as it was hurting you. So, the big question is - why do you feel bad?! I think this is just a conditioned response. Of course you're going to feel lonely and doubt yourself a bit but over time, these feelings will fade and be replaced by a new perspective and, I'm sure, a brighter future. In the meantime, focus on yourself, find new interests, get out and meet people and read books about relationships so you won't repeat the patterns that have caused your recent problems.
4/
Hi,
My fiance of 6 years broke up with me in November 2005. We lived together for 5 years. We broke up once before and he came back to me after 6 months. I still love him very very much. Since we broke up, we have still had sex at least every month. If I haven't contacted him for 2-3 days, he rings me to see how I am. When I hang up, I still always say I love you, and he still says it too. I just want to know what is going on in his head. I would take him back in a heartbeat.
`Confused.'
A/
It seems to me that your situation is more about working on your relationship than about coping with a break-up. What reason did your fiance give for ending the relationship? You need to be clear why you broke up in the first place. Then you can decide if there's any real hope for a future together. Don't hand over all the decision-making and power to your guy. It's up to both of you to decide what you want. It doesn't sound as if you've really let go but caring about each other and having occasional sex is not the same as being in a committed relationship. My advice is to work on your issues or let go altogether. Neither of these choices is as easy as what you're doing now but I don't think drifting along as you are is healthy for either of you. If you want to know what's in his head, ask. Have an honest talk and make some positive changes.
Why do you think some couples wish to remain friends even after nasty and/or painful break ups?
Ken
A/ I don’t know that this happens as much. People who are in very hostile relationships stay together to work through their own anger, aggression and issues etc. Once the break is finally made, what would be the value of seeing each other? If they do, it would be toxic and not really friendship unless one or both radically changes. Relationships are based on pay-offs. We engage in them for a variety of reasons. If we're in one that's very painful, we're probably relieved when it's over. However, if two people were friends to start with, if breaking up is done with love, warmth, respect and dignity, they can remain friends. Though I usually advise a lapse of time after a break-up before friendship as such is attempted. If only one person wanted to break up or the actual separation was very bitter, it would be virtually impossible. Forgiveness is also a key factor, of course. And desire for friendship. All relationships are challenging and friendship between sexes is especially so but very worthwhile when it can be achieved.
2/
Hi Charmaine,
I am 32. You may find my situation unusual or plain weird, but here it goes:
About a month ago a very shy 26 year old girl got a job in the company I work for. At first no one talked to her, and I felt attracted to her in a way that I have not felt for a long, long time – sixteen years actually. We never exchanged many words at a time or had a decent conversation, but in a little while she finally started loosening up a little and communicating with other people in our department. I thought my effort has paid off and I felt very good indeed for it.
About a week ago, she started sending discrete flirting signals – many times over a couple of days I would catch her looking towards me and she would give me a broad smile when our eyes meet. She would find little excuses to get physically close to me – using my fax ever though she had six fax machines closer, borrowing my access card even though she had her own etc. Every time she was very careful that no-one could see us together. Gradually we started talking longer and more frequently.
My feelings for her grew stronger and I thought we might have some chemistry building up. Until then I did not want to rush with anything: I am a very shy type myself and I would never ask a girl out unless I have real feelings for her (a one night stand for me is an absolute no-no). So far I was committed to a relationship only once as a teenager.
Then one day she walked by and I gave her my warmest, most honest smile and locked her eyes for a couple of seconds. It seemed as if that very moment scared her to death and she instantly froze. After that I tried to strike a conversation with her a couple of times, but she seems to avoid me like a plague. The worst thing of all was when I realised that I had feelings for her I have not had for a girl in many years.
I know she is not a player but everything in her recent behaviour is confusing me to despair. I am hoping your expertise may shine some light on the situation.
Thanks in advance,
Darren
A/
This girl likes you as a friend and she obviously enjoys flirting with you but when you nakedly exhibited your feelings, she backed off. She then seemed to regret her playful friendship with you because she realized you got the wrong idea. Believe me, you don’t want to walk into a situation based on unrequited love and that type of pain. This girl has been leading you on a bit but probably didn't mean to hurt you deliberately. You have romanticised the situation. That’s why she’s distancing herself. Just be a friend for now – that’s what she really needs. Anything else will have to wait and if it’s meant to be, it will happen. Working together further complicates matters as things could get very tense if she begins to feel pressured by you.
I understand that your feelings are strong but you don't really know this girl so it could be just infatuation. Relax, don't take yourself too seriously. Many people get scared off by strong feelings too soon. Relations between men and women are very confusing at times so play it cooler and trust the future. If it's not this girl, there'll be another who might suit you even better.
3/
Hi Charmaine,
I'd just like to let you know that I took your previous advice and have finally dropped my boyfriend. He continued with his irrational behavior to the point where verbal insults were directed.
We started going out in the beginning of January after I wrote to you, it was good while it lasted, his sister got married and we had a wonderful day, but it wasn’t long after where he started again...
A month ago, I went over a girlfriend’s house after work and he became very abusive on the phone when I called him later that night. He called me all sorts of things. I could not believe this as I thought he had come to his senses and he promised me that he would behave and try to change.
Later on that month, he told me that he wanted to get engaged and later this year get married because he thinks that our lives and everything is to difficult and causing us to fight and that by getting married would change things.
Last Sunday, we met up and he told me that there needs to be changes if we want this relationship to work. I listened and thought they were ridiculous:
We are not seeing each other during the week because he works late and he is tired so only weekends.
If we go out to dinner or movies, we are to pay our own way
When I go out, he doesn’t want me to tell him and he won’t ask. The same with him; I'm not allowed to ask him what he is doing and he wont tell me.
So basically he wants us to have less communication and give each other space... I cannot live with this, it is just more pain, I can’t handle anymore. He is pushing me away and I think that is no relationship to have. It might as well be friendship.
So I have told him the way I feel and said that I think it is best that I just end it.
I feel lonely and bad for dropping him but know I have made the right decision. Do you agree? Can you give me any advice besides keeping myself busy? I just feel so lost now.
Thank you,
Amanda
A/
Thank you for your follow-up letter. It's always good to get feedback and I'm happy to offer further advice on your situation.
The first important message is that marriage is NOT a remedy for a bad relationship. It's hard enough even for very positive couples.
His list of conditions didn't take your wishes into consideration. It's a great idea to suggest strategies for improvement but they can't be edicts! It needs to be negotiated. Also, you're right in saying that those new rules basically created more distance rather than better communication. You made a brave and self-loving decision to end the relationship as it was hurting you. So, the big question is - why do you feel bad?! I think this is just a conditioned response. Of course you're going to feel lonely and doubt yourself a bit but over time, these feelings will fade and be replaced by a new perspective and, I'm sure, a brighter future. In the meantime, focus on yourself, find new interests, get out and meet people and read books about relationships so you won't repeat the patterns that have caused your recent problems.
4/
Hi,
My fiance of 6 years broke up with me in November 2005. We lived together for 5 years. We broke up once before and he came back to me after 6 months. I still love him very very much. Since we broke up, we have still had sex at least every month. If I haven't contacted him for 2-3 days, he rings me to see how I am. When I hang up, I still always say I love you, and he still says it too. I just want to know what is going on in his head. I would take him back in a heartbeat.
`Confused.'
A/
It seems to me that your situation is more about working on your relationship than about coping with a break-up. What reason did your fiance give for ending the relationship? You need to be clear why you broke up in the first place. Then you can decide if there's any real hope for a future together. Don't hand over all the decision-making and power to your guy. It's up to both of you to decide what you want. It doesn't sound as if you've really let go but caring about each other and having occasional sex is not the same as being in a committed relationship. My advice is to work on your issues or let go altogether. Neither of these choices is as easy as what you're doing now but I don't think drifting along as you are is healthy for either of you. If you want to know what's in his head, ask. Have an honest talk and make some positive changes.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
New Questions - June 2007
Question 1:
I'm 29 years old and an incest survivor. I am in therapy at present and have been for the last year and a half. It has helped me greatly. My problem is that I'm realizing there are more survivors out there and I need to meet them. Do you think they help people or just confuse them? Maybe I can help by just listening. If I could help even one survivor, it has made my experience worth something.
I love reading your page every month.
Hilda
Answer 1:
I've always encouraged sufferers of a variety of conditions to join in support groups or start one up because I strongly believe it helps to meet with others who have shared your experience. It takes away the feeling of isolation, loneliness, fear and shame when you realize others have been through a similar situation. I think you will definitely benefit and in sharing your story with others, it will help them too. Your letter characterizes the belief that every bad situation carries a silver lining. It's a great credit to you that
you care enough about the pain of others to want to join a group and ease your own hurt at the same time. I encourage you to seek out a support group in your local area and move forward into a brighter future.
Question 2:
My beloved dog died two years ago and I'm now ready to get another one. Unfortunately, I'm renting a house and I'm not allowed to keep pets there. I've even applied directly to the owner but he said no. I understand that a lot of people with pets wreck properties but so do children and careless adults. It just seems so unfair when I'm a careful person and only want a small dog to keep me company. I know this is not your usual sort of problem but could you tell me what I might do?
MAY
Answer 2:
I think it's very cruel to prevent people having pets just because of some irresponsible tenants. It makes my blood boil when I hear of old people having to choose between beloved companions and accommodation. There's not much you can do apart from moving when your current lease runs out which you should definitely consider if the landlord won't bend the rules for you. In the meantime, what about asking him to compromise on a little kitten? Owners will often allow cats when they don't allow dogs. If you think you're only a dog-person, think again. People who dislike cats have never lived with one. They grow on you and are terrific company. Why not try it? Otherwise, get involved in helping an animal welfare agency, shelters and other similar organizations so you can have contact with dogs while you're waiting to get your own. You could even offer a dog-minding or walking service. Every negative situation has a positive flip-side. It's up to you to find it.
Question 3:
I have been with my wife for 17 years and we have three children together. I'm 35 and
my wife is 41. I love my wife dearly, but I have been very insecure
for a long time. I love making love to her almost every day but the problem
is my wife does not initiate or make time for us on a regular basis. We make
love at least once in 3 weeks but I feel she is not attracted to me and she does not desire me sexually. My wife feels I have a huge problem which I have deal with myself. She is a beautiful woman inside and out and she feels very content with what we have and does not think
she is the problem. I'm not writing to you to find out who is at fault here
but for advice on how we can both be happy. I get very frustrated and angry
when my advances are always turned down by my wife. She has had two strokes
in the last 6 years which has changed a lot of things also. I cheated on my wife
through sheer frustration two years ago. Please can you shed some light into my difficult situation?
Thank you,
Mr. R
Answer 3:
I'm glad you're not looking for fault because that's a waste of energy and unhelpful. Neither of you is to blame for this situation. Libido is rarely identical in a marriage but the main thing is to maintain intimacy and make love often enough to satisfy individual and couple needs. If your wife is content then I guess the issue is yours. Enjoying sex is fine but you can't ask your wife to be available every time you want it. Frequency is surely not the only important factor in your love life. She has had major illness in recent years which will of course affect her libido as well. The most telling line in your letter is the one where you say you've been insecure for a long time. After 17 years, you must know your wife loves you so it seems you're equating how much you're loved with how much sex you have. The fact that your wife is not as keen as you are in the bedroom does not mean she doesn't desire you. I'm afraid you do have to work on this for yourself then your relationship will improve.
Question 4:
I want to impress a girl on a first date but not do the obvious either. Any ideas?
Tom
Answer 4:
You need to take the trouble to find out her likes and dislikes. If your date is an outdoor type, she's not going to want to spend several hours cooped in somewhere. On the other hand, a girl who enjoys the opera might not want to go out boating on a river. First dates are usually dinner or a movie or the two together. You really can't go wrong with this plan but you said you wanted something different so think outside the box. Unless a woman is really materialistic, she will love anything you plan for her as long as it shows thought. I personally prefer a first date to provide the opportunity for the two people to get to know each other so plan around that, keep it simple and most importantly, relax. It'll be fun as long as you make up your mind to please her and yourself without any pressure.
I'm 29 years old and an incest survivor. I am in therapy at present and have been for the last year and a half. It has helped me greatly. My problem is that I'm realizing there are more survivors out there and I need to meet them. Do you think they help people or just confuse them? Maybe I can help by just listening. If I could help even one survivor, it has made my experience worth something.
I love reading your page every month.
Hilda
Answer 1:
I've always encouraged sufferers of a variety of conditions to join in support groups or start one up because I strongly believe it helps to meet with others who have shared your experience. It takes away the feeling of isolation, loneliness, fear and shame when you realize others have been through a similar situation. I think you will definitely benefit and in sharing your story with others, it will help them too. Your letter characterizes the belief that every bad situation carries a silver lining. It's a great credit to you that
you care enough about the pain of others to want to join a group and ease your own hurt at the same time. I encourage you to seek out a support group in your local area and move forward into a brighter future.
Question 2:
My beloved dog died two years ago and I'm now ready to get another one. Unfortunately, I'm renting a house and I'm not allowed to keep pets there. I've even applied directly to the owner but he said no. I understand that a lot of people with pets wreck properties but so do children and careless adults. It just seems so unfair when I'm a careful person and only want a small dog to keep me company. I know this is not your usual sort of problem but could you tell me what I might do?
MAY
Answer 2:
I think it's very cruel to prevent people having pets just because of some irresponsible tenants. It makes my blood boil when I hear of old people having to choose between beloved companions and accommodation. There's not much you can do apart from moving when your current lease runs out which you should definitely consider if the landlord won't bend the rules for you. In the meantime, what about asking him to compromise on a little kitten? Owners will often allow cats when they don't allow dogs. If you think you're only a dog-person, think again. People who dislike cats have never lived with one. They grow on you and are terrific company. Why not try it? Otherwise, get involved in helping an animal welfare agency, shelters and other similar organizations so you can have contact with dogs while you're waiting to get your own. You could even offer a dog-minding or walking service. Every negative situation has a positive flip-side. It's up to you to find it.
Question 3:
I have been with my wife for 17 years and we have three children together. I'm 35 and
my wife is 41. I love my wife dearly, but I have been very insecure
for a long time. I love making love to her almost every day but the problem
is my wife does not initiate or make time for us on a regular basis. We make
love at least once in 3 weeks but I feel she is not attracted to me and she does not desire me sexually. My wife feels I have a huge problem which I have deal with myself. She is a beautiful woman inside and out and she feels very content with what we have and does not think
she is the problem. I'm not writing to you to find out who is at fault here
but for advice on how we can both be happy. I get very frustrated and angry
when my advances are always turned down by my wife. She has had two strokes
in the last 6 years which has changed a lot of things also. I cheated on my wife
through sheer frustration two years ago. Please can you shed some light into my difficult situation?
Thank you,
Mr. R
Answer 3:
I'm glad you're not looking for fault because that's a waste of energy and unhelpful. Neither of you is to blame for this situation. Libido is rarely identical in a marriage but the main thing is to maintain intimacy and make love often enough to satisfy individual and couple needs. If your wife is content then I guess the issue is yours. Enjoying sex is fine but you can't ask your wife to be available every time you want it. Frequency is surely not the only important factor in your love life. She has had major illness in recent years which will of course affect her libido as well. The most telling line in your letter is the one where you say you've been insecure for a long time. After 17 years, you must know your wife loves you so it seems you're equating how much you're loved with how much sex you have. The fact that your wife is not as keen as you are in the bedroom does not mean she doesn't desire you. I'm afraid you do have to work on this for yourself then your relationship will improve.
Question 4:
I want to impress a girl on a first date but not do the obvious either. Any ideas?
Tom
Answer 4:
You need to take the trouble to find out her likes and dislikes. If your date is an outdoor type, she's not going to want to spend several hours cooped in somewhere. On the other hand, a girl who enjoys the opera might not want to go out boating on a river. First dates are usually dinner or a movie or the two together. You really can't go wrong with this plan but you said you wanted something different so think outside the box. Unless a woman is really materialistic, she will love anything you plan for her as long as it shows thought. I personally prefer a first date to provide the opportunity for the two people to get to know each other so plan around that, keep it simple and most importantly, relax. It'll be fun as long as you make up your mind to please her and yourself without any pressure.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
New Questions - May 2007
Question 1:
I have recently started seeing a lady. She's very easy to be with and we enjoy each other's company. She seems to like me but I can't tell! We met in a pub quite by chance and it seemed natural to make arrangements to see each other after that. We've now gone out a few times but I can see no clues either way as to whether I really stand a chance with her or if she just wants a `mate.’ It's too early for romance or anything and it's not that I want to race her into bed but I would like some sort of sign. Am I being too impatient?
Jeff
Answer 1:
My answer depends on whether you're impatient because you're genuinely puzzled by her neutral approach or if it's because of your own insecurity. Each of us needs to be clear in our own minds who we are and what we want rather than expect others to reassure us or prop us up. Therefore, if you really like this woman and you think there's a chance of a real relationship, just hang on a little longer without pushing too much. Dating someone new is always awkward because the boundaries are as yet undefined and the parties are not totally at ease. It's far better for any relationship to be based on friendship first and then unfold naturally. When it feels right, you will know when to move the situation onto a more personal plane. She may be the sort of person who doesn't show her feelings outwardly so it may be up to you to take a chance and make the first move. I think you'll soon find out if she's interested in you as a man or as a mate. Trust yourself and you won't go wrong.
Question 2:
I've been living with a guy for two years. We have a good relationship generally but for the fact he doesn't want to make a commitment and he doesn't want to jointly own property or anything like that. I feel as if he wants things to stay open-ended so he can leave if he feels like it. I've put this to him but he says he loves me and is very happy as things are. He pays me a set amount towards household expenses each week and we live a very elegant lifestyle but I need more from him. He's always got an excuse if I ask for more money and I'm just feeling very insecure about the whole situation. Should I force an ultimatum or leave well enough alone, hoping for the best?
Marg
Answer 2:
You don't have to hope for the best in life. You are allowed to stand up for what you want but you don't have to be aggressive about it. Rather than just asking and getting fobbed off, set a deadline for a decision to be made between you. That way, it doesn't feel like an ultimatum as such. Just make it clear that you're not happy with the current situation and you'd like to make some positive changes. Try also to get to the bottom of his reluctance to commit. Perhaps he's been badly hurt in the past and is wary of tying himself up again. If you want to get married or in some other way formalize your relationship, and he doesn't, there could be a serious problem brewing that requires immediate repair. Once you know what you're dealing with it, you have options and can move more clearly onto a decision about your future, with or without this man. Honesty and communication are the two key factors in a healthy relationship. Make sure you employ these and the rest will work out.
Question 3:
Thank you for reaching out and having a human and humane touch to people. I had a terrible childhood and an inquiring mind and have been haunted for an answer to this question: Is there a mental disease, a diagnosis, for people who are neglectful and abusive to their own children, while acting perfectly normally socially and would deny any fault in themselves if asked AND treat everyone else outside the home in caring and considerate, even loving, fashion???
If you can help me with an answer, where I can read further and do my own research, you will be helping me to try to solve an old mystery that yet affects me and my siblings lives.
Thank you for your kindness.
Sincerely,
Annette
Answer 3:
This is a far more common scenario than you might think. It's not a mental disorder as such unless accompanied by other pathology. It's more to do with learned behavior. If you're speaking about one of your own parents, it's most likely they have modeled themselves on some childhood pattern that they witnessed and absorbed. It's about masks and persona, which is putting on a `face' that is acceptable to the world but is not real. People who lead double lives like that are deeply insecure and don't like themselves. They burn up so much energy hiding all their perceived faults; they create incredible stress which has to be unleashed somewhere, usually onto those nearest to them. That's why it's so important to accept ourselves in our wholeness, light and dark. I hope this basic explanation helps you to understand a bit better and more importantly, prevent yourself from perpetuating the problem by continuing it yourself. I'm sorry for your painful childhood but as you say, you have an enquiring mind and this will empower you to live a full and happy life now as an adult.
Question 4:
I love my husband but I can rarely reach an orgasm. I can only climax when I'm drunk. He tries so very hard to please me, but I just can't seem to do it when I'm sober. Any advice?
Answer 4:
This seems to be to be an issue of inhibition. Alcohol helps us to let ourselves go and that must be why you can only climax when drunk. It's not very flattering for your guy so after a couple of glasses of wine, when you're just feeling nice and mellow, why not relax and practice making love pleasurably at that time? You could have a general issue with orgasm such as too much mind control, poor technique on your lover's part or fear of being vulnerable so deal with these things separately. Masturbate by yourself when you're cold sober and get to know your body and what it responds to.
For more from this talented writer, click here.
I have recently started seeing a lady. She's very easy to be with and we enjoy each other's company. She seems to like me but I can't tell! We met in a pub quite by chance and it seemed natural to make arrangements to see each other after that. We've now gone out a few times but I can see no clues either way as to whether I really stand a chance with her or if she just wants a `mate.’ It's too early for romance or anything and it's not that I want to race her into bed but I would like some sort of sign. Am I being too impatient?
Jeff
Answer 1:
My answer depends on whether you're impatient because you're genuinely puzzled by her neutral approach or if it's because of your own insecurity. Each of us needs to be clear in our own minds who we are and what we want rather than expect others to reassure us or prop us up. Therefore, if you really like this woman and you think there's a chance of a real relationship, just hang on a little longer without pushing too much. Dating someone new is always awkward because the boundaries are as yet undefined and the parties are not totally at ease. It's far better for any relationship to be based on friendship first and then unfold naturally. When it feels right, you will know when to move the situation onto a more personal plane. She may be the sort of person who doesn't show her feelings outwardly so it may be up to you to take a chance and make the first move. I think you'll soon find out if she's interested in you as a man or as a mate. Trust yourself and you won't go wrong.
Question 2:
I've been living with a guy for two years. We have a good relationship generally but for the fact he doesn't want to make a commitment and he doesn't want to jointly own property or anything like that. I feel as if he wants things to stay open-ended so he can leave if he feels like it. I've put this to him but he says he loves me and is very happy as things are. He pays me a set amount towards household expenses each week and we live a very elegant lifestyle but I need more from him. He's always got an excuse if I ask for more money and I'm just feeling very insecure about the whole situation. Should I force an ultimatum or leave well enough alone, hoping for the best?
Marg
Answer 2:
You don't have to hope for the best in life. You are allowed to stand up for what you want but you don't have to be aggressive about it. Rather than just asking and getting fobbed off, set a deadline for a decision to be made between you. That way, it doesn't feel like an ultimatum as such. Just make it clear that you're not happy with the current situation and you'd like to make some positive changes. Try also to get to the bottom of his reluctance to commit. Perhaps he's been badly hurt in the past and is wary of tying himself up again. If you want to get married or in some other way formalize your relationship, and he doesn't, there could be a serious problem brewing that requires immediate repair. Once you know what you're dealing with it, you have options and can move more clearly onto a decision about your future, with or without this man. Honesty and communication are the two key factors in a healthy relationship. Make sure you employ these and the rest will work out.
Question 3:
Thank you for reaching out and having a human and humane touch to people. I had a terrible childhood and an inquiring mind and have been haunted for an answer to this question: Is there a mental disease, a diagnosis, for people who are neglectful and abusive to their own children, while acting perfectly normally socially and would deny any fault in themselves if asked AND treat everyone else outside the home in caring and considerate, even loving, fashion???
If you can help me with an answer, where I can read further and do my own research, you will be helping me to try to solve an old mystery that yet affects me and my siblings lives.
Thank you for your kindness.
Sincerely,
Annette
Answer 3:
This is a far more common scenario than you might think. It's not a mental disorder as such unless accompanied by other pathology. It's more to do with learned behavior. If you're speaking about one of your own parents, it's most likely they have modeled themselves on some childhood pattern that they witnessed and absorbed. It's about masks and persona, which is putting on a `face' that is acceptable to the world but is not real. People who lead double lives like that are deeply insecure and don't like themselves. They burn up so much energy hiding all their perceived faults; they create incredible stress which has to be unleashed somewhere, usually onto those nearest to them. That's why it's so important to accept ourselves in our wholeness, light and dark. I hope this basic explanation helps you to understand a bit better and more importantly, prevent yourself from perpetuating the problem by continuing it yourself. I'm sorry for your painful childhood but as you say, you have an enquiring mind and this will empower you to live a full and happy life now as an adult.
Question 4:
I love my husband but I can rarely reach an orgasm. I can only climax when I'm drunk. He tries so very hard to please me, but I just can't seem to do it when I'm sober. Any advice?
Answer 4:
This seems to be to be an issue of inhibition. Alcohol helps us to let ourselves go and that must be why you can only climax when drunk. It's not very flattering for your guy so after a couple of glasses of wine, when you're just feeling nice and mellow, why not relax and practice making love pleasurably at that time? You could have a general issue with orgasm such as too much mind control, poor technique on your lover's part or fear of being vulnerable so deal with these things separately. Masturbate by yourself when you're cold sober and get to know your body and what it responds to.
For more from this talented writer, click here.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
New Questions - April 2007
Question 1:
I'm a 26 year old virgin. How do I tell men? Everyone just assumes you're sexually active and it makes me feel inadequate and lacking.
Angela
Answer 1:
You are a late bloomer, that's all! By average standards, most women of your age have experienced sex but whether you haven't because of personal choice or lack of opportunity, it is very much your own business. I certainly wouldn't announce to casual dates if I were you. The wrong guys will either see you as a challenge or they'll assume you're `frigid.' When someone special comes along, you'll have no difficulty telling him about your virginal status and he will think it's terrific!
Question 2:
I read about your book, `Teenage stress' and as I have a boy aged 16, I bought it for him. The problem is I can’t get him to read it! He says he doesn’t need any advice or help. It’s not that he is particularly difficult or that we get along badly but I would’ve thought that young people today would realise what a challenging world they’re entering, and ask for guidance. But, oh, no, they just go along pretending to know it all. It’s so frustrating. I'm very worried about his future. How can I get him to at least read your book?
Mrs. J.
Answer 2:
When I was doing all the publicity for the book, the question came up several times about how to get teenagers themselves to read it. Of course, I was aware in choosing to write on this topic that my audience might be less than enthusiastic! It’s understandable that teenagers get sick of adults telling them how to dress, feel, behave, think and so on. I hope my book isn’t like that at all. I try to make all my writing accessible, practical and down to earth. With this particular book, I was very careful not to talk down to my readers and to use language that they can relate to. I know that once teenagers dip their toes in, they’ll want to swim right out with my book but you can’t force them to start, unfortunately. I suggest you leave it lying around and let your son pick it up if he wishes rather than make an issue of it. It does have a section about employment if that’s what’s worrying you. In the meantime, I hope you get something out of the parents' section.
Question 3:
I'm dating a married man and I have tried umpteen times to break it off and of course, I rightfully, get no sympathy from friends. There are a number of reasons why it’s a hopeless situation. Firstly, it’s not very satisfying for me. I'm always second best, waiting around for crumbs. Then there’s all the guilt. I have no illusion that the guy will leave his wife as I know he loves her and I'm just his `bit on the side' so I feel I'm wasting my time when I could be meeting someone for myself. For all this, I can’t bring myself to actually make the break. What’s wrong with me?
Jane
Answer 3:
You might be what we call a `love addict.' This term suggests someone who is addicted to a particular person or to the idea of love itself. We probably all have a bit of this condition within us. It’s all tied up with the idea of co-dependency. What you need to do in order to sever yourself from this man is to take your power back, to be in charge of your own life again.
I wouldn’t dream of telling you what is morally wrong as that is a personal judgment but the fact that you’re unhappy is already speaking volumes. You want and deserve your own life, husband, family, whatever it is you decide you would like to bring into your life and in a way, this affair is an obstacle to your dreams. I don’t think you’ll be able to break off without doing some work on this area of your life.
Question 4:
I’m in a responsible position at work and have a young family. I’ve always done the `right thing’ all my life and people think I’m very `together’ and a happy person. Recently, my world has been unraveling and it’s really scaring me. I cracked up at work and now am on sick leave for a few weeks. I’m on anti-depressants and am seeing a counselor but any thoughts from you? I’m 42.
Mark
Answer 4:
My first thought was possibly mid-life crisis. You’re at the right age for it. It’s hitting you extra hard because you have led a conventional life and perhaps hidden a lot of your true feelings. Now all of a sudden, it feels as if you can’t suppress insecurities, doubts, fears etc any longer. I see this as very healthy because by crying, screaming, writing, even throwing things at the wall, you can release pent-up emotions and become a freer, more `real’ person. It won’t be very comfortable for a while but you need to go through it, quite obviously. With your counselor, explore childhood and other past influences so as to better understand yourself and where you’re at right now. Then you’ll be able to be more powerful in the future.
For more from this talented writer, click here.
I'm a 26 year old virgin. How do I tell men? Everyone just assumes you're sexually active and it makes me feel inadequate and lacking.
Angela
Answer 1:
You are a late bloomer, that's all! By average standards, most women of your age have experienced sex but whether you haven't because of personal choice or lack of opportunity, it is very much your own business. I certainly wouldn't announce to casual dates if I were you. The wrong guys will either see you as a challenge or they'll assume you're `frigid.' When someone special comes along, you'll have no difficulty telling him about your virginal status and he will think it's terrific!
Question 2:
I read about your book, `Teenage stress' and as I have a boy aged 16, I bought it for him. The problem is I can’t get him to read it! He says he doesn’t need any advice or help. It’s not that he is particularly difficult or that we get along badly but I would’ve thought that young people today would realise what a challenging world they’re entering, and ask for guidance. But, oh, no, they just go along pretending to know it all. It’s so frustrating. I'm very worried about his future. How can I get him to at least read your book?
Mrs. J.
Answer 2:
When I was doing all the publicity for the book, the question came up several times about how to get teenagers themselves to read it. Of course, I was aware in choosing to write on this topic that my audience might be less than enthusiastic! It’s understandable that teenagers get sick of adults telling them how to dress, feel, behave, think and so on. I hope my book isn’t like that at all. I try to make all my writing accessible, practical and down to earth. With this particular book, I was very careful not to talk down to my readers and to use language that they can relate to. I know that once teenagers dip their toes in, they’ll want to swim right out with my book but you can’t force them to start, unfortunately. I suggest you leave it lying around and let your son pick it up if he wishes rather than make an issue of it. It does have a section about employment if that’s what’s worrying you. In the meantime, I hope you get something out of the parents' section.
Question 3:
I'm dating a married man and I have tried umpteen times to break it off and of course, I rightfully, get no sympathy from friends. There are a number of reasons why it’s a hopeless situation. Firstly, it’s not very satisfying for me. I'm always second best, waiting around for crumbs. Then there’s all the guilt. I have no illusion that the guy will leave his wife as I know he loves her and I'm just his `bit on the side' so I feel I'm wasting my time when I could be meeting someone for myself. For all this, I can’t bring myself to actually make the break. What’s wrong with me?
Jane
Answer 3:
You might be what we call a `love addict.' This term suggests someone who is addicted to a particular person or to the idea of love itself. We probably all have a bit of this condition within us. It’s all tied up with the idea of co-dependency. What you need to do in order to sever yourself from this man is to take your power back, to be in charge of your own life again.
I wouldn’t dream of telling you what is morally wrong as that is a personal judgment but the fact that you’re unhappy is already speaking volumes. You want and deserve your own life, husband, family, whatever it is you decide you would like to bring into your life and in a way, this affair is an obstacle to your dreams. I don’t think you’ll be able to break off without doing some work on this area of your life.
Question 4:
I’m in a responsible position at work and have a young family. I’ve always done the `right thing’ all my life and people think I’m very `together’ and a happy person. Recently, my world has been unraveling and it’s really scaring me. I cracked up at work and now am on sick leave for a few weeks. I’m on anti-depressants and am seeing a counselor but any thoughts from you? I’m 42.
Mark
Answer 4:
My first thought was possibly mid-life crisis. You’re at the right age for it. It’s hitting you extra hard because you have led a conventional life and perhaps hidden a lot of your true feelings. Now all of a sudden, it feels as if you can’t suppress insecurities, doubts, fears etc any longer. I see this as very healthy because by crying, screaming, writing, even throwing things at the wall, you can release pent-up emotions and become a freer, more `real’ person. It won’t be very comfortable for a while but you need to go through it, quite obviously. With your counselor, explore childhood and other past influences so as to better understand yourself and where you’re at right now. Then you’ll be able to be more powerful in the future.
For more from this talented writer, click here.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
New Questions - March 2007
By Dr. Charmaine Saunders
Question 1:
I wonder if you could explain something to me. Why do I always pick `bad’ boys and when the nice ones like me, I’m not interested?
Answer 1:
This is a very interesting question and one that I hear constantly as a counselor. I will try to explain it in a general and clear way even though it is a very complicated question in some ways. Firstly, your background comes into it. What was your childhood like? How did you see your parents behave with each other? This is our first and most significant influence in regard to relationships. Was your father a `bad boy?’ Secondly, your self-esteem. If you do not at a deep level think much of yourself, you will not allow anyone nice to love you. You will doubt it, question it or bully it out of existence. A bad boy would seem more comfortable, more fitting and you will allow him to hurt you without a second thought but letting a nice guy love you is too scary because you feel unworthy. What I suggest you do is try to identify your relationship pattern. We all have one and if it’s not making us happy or bringing fulfillment into our lives, we need to trace back to the source of it and then let it go. This might take a lot of work and heartache but it will be worth it in the end as it will bring a new day, a whole new beginning. Look at how your relationships have operated so far - how they begin, how they end, what the guys were like, how you felt, how they acted, were you the pursuer or the pursued, who ended it? The answers to these questions will give you a lot of clues as to where you’ve been and will enable you to start looking at where you want to be in the future. Remember, you do have choices and you do have power. Refuse to be a slave to your past.
Question 2:
I’m in love with a girl who isn’t right for me. My friends tell me she’s not sincere but I have very low self -esteem and when she smiles at me or talks to me, I can’t help falling in love with her. What is someone like me supposed to do? How do you get over someone you love that you can’t have?
Answer 2:
You have your answer in the text of your question - low self-esteem. Most of us suffer from this problem which we bring from childhood and it requires a deep desire for change in order to gain a more positive self-image. Once you have that, your life will change in every area and you will attract the things you want into your life effortlessly. Could I suggest that you are not really in love with this girl. Firstly, you don’t really know her and secondly, your feelings for her are probably coming from a place of self-negation. When you love yourself, you will not put up with insincerity and manipulation. I always think of the Carly Simon lyric - `I haven’t the need for the pain.’ You don’t need the pain now but you haven’t realized it yet. You can’t get over someone you never really had and it’s always up to you yourself to find the courage to move on. If this girl really isn’t right for you, let her go, knowing full well you’ll meet other more
Question 3:
I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. The feelings have deepened but my partner seems no closer to wanting us to move in together or perhaps get married one day. We’ve talked around it endlessly but I’m left with the sure knowledge that he likes things as they are and doesn’t want to change. Am I being unreasonable?
Hilda
Answer 3:
You may benefit from some couples counseling as it’s often easier to sort out apparent stalemates when there’s an impartial third party. Other than that, you’ve basically got to decide if you are satisfied with this relationship as it is. If he’s perfectly happy and you’re not, there may be no simple solution. You’ve probably talked enough for now and it’s really crunch time. Tell this guy how you feel and make it clear you can’t settle for the current situation. If there’s still no movement, only you can decide whether to stay or leave.
Question 4:
I'm in a responsible position at work and have a young family. I’ve always done the `right thing’ all my life and people think I’m very `together’ and a happy person. Recently, my world has been unraveling and it’s really scaring me. I cracked up at work and now am on sick leave for a few weeks. I’m on anti-depressants and am seeing a counselor but any thoughts from you? I’m 42.
Mark
Answer 4:
My first thought was possibly mid-life crisis. You’re at the right age for it. It’s hitting you extra hard because you have led a conventional life and perhaps hidden a lot of your true feelings. Now all of a sudden, it feels as if you can’t suppress insecurities, doubts, fears etc any longer. I see this as very healthy because by crying, screaming, writing, even throwing things at the wall, you can release pent-up emotions and become a freer, more `real’ person. It won’t be very comfortable for a while but you need to go through it, quite obviously. With your counselor, explore childhood and other past influences so as to better understand yourself and where you’re at right now. Then you’ll be able to be more powerful in the future.
Question 1:
I wonder if you could explain something to me. Why do I always pick `bad’ boys and when the nice ones like me, I’m not interested?
Answer 1:
This is a very interesting question and one that I hear constantly as a counselor. I will try to explain it in a general and clear way even though it is a very complicated question in some ways. Firstly, your background comes into it. What was your childhood like? How did you see your parents behave with each other? This is our first and most significant influence in regard to relationships. Was your father a `bad boy?’ Secondly, your self-esteem. If you do not at a deep level think much of yourself, you will not allow anyone nice to love you. You will doubt it, question it or bully it out of existence. A bad boy would seem more comfortable, more fitting and you will allow him to hurt you without a second thought but letting a nice guy love you is too scary because you feel unworthy. What I suggest you do is try to identify your relationship pattern. We all have one and if it’s not making us happy or bringing fulfillment into our lives, we need to trace back to the source of it and then let it go. This might take a lot of work and heartache but it will be worth it in the end as it will bring a new day, a whole new beginning. Look at how your relationships have operated so far - how they begin, how they end, what the guys were like, how you felt, how they acted, were you the pursuer or the pursued, who ended it? The answers to these questions will give you a lot of clues as to where you’ve been and will enable you to start looking at where you want to be in the future. Remember, you do have choices and you do have power. Refuse to be a slave to your past.
Question 2:
I’m in love with a girl who isn’t right for me. My friends tell me she’s not sincere but I have very low self -esteem and when she smiles at me or talks to me, I can’t help falling in love with her. What is someone like me supposed to do? How do you get over someone you love that you can’t have?
Answer 2:
You have your answer in the text of your question - low self-esteem. Most of us suffer from this problem which we bring from childhood and it requires a deep desire for change in order to gain a more positive self-image. Once you have that, your life will change in every area and you will attract the things you want into your life effortlessly. Could I suggest that you are not really in love with this girl. Firstly, you don’t really know her and secondly, your feelings for her are probably coming from a place of self-negation. When you love yourself, you will not put up with insincerity and manipulation. I always think of the Carly Simon lyric - `I haven’t the need for the pain.’ You don’t need the pain now but you haven’t realized it yet. You can’t get over someone you never really had and it’s always up to you yourself to find the courage to move on. If this girl really isn’t right for you, let her go, knowing full well you’ll meet other more
Question 3:
I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. The feelings have deepened but my partner seems no closer to wanting us to move in together or perhaps get married one day. We’ve talked around it endlessly but I’m left with the sure knowledge that he likes things as they are and doesn’t want to change. Am I being unreasonable?
Hilda
Answer 3:
You may benefit from some couples counseling as it’s often easier to sort out apparent stalemates when there’s an impartial third party. Other than that, you’ve basically got to decide if you are satisfied with this relationship as it is. If he’s perfectly happy and you’re not, there may be no simple solution. You’ve probably talked enough for now and it’s really crunch time. Tell this guy how you feel and make it clear you can’t settle for the current situation. If there’s still no movement, only you can decide whether to stay or leave.
Question 4:
I'm in a responsible position at work and have a young family. I’ve always done the `right thing’ all my life and people think I’m very `together’ and a happy person. Recently, my world has been unraveling and it’s really scaring me. I cracked up at work and now am on sick leave for a few weeks. I’m on anti-depressants and am seeing a counselor but any thoughts from you? I’m 42.
Mark
Answer 4:
My first thought was possibly mid-life crisis. You’re at the right age for it. It’s hitting you extra hard because you have led a conventional life and perhaps hidden a lot of your true feelings. Now all of a sudden, it feels as if you can’t suppress insecurities, doubts, fears etc any longer. I see this as very healthy because by crying, screaming, writing, even throwing things at the wall, you can release pent-up emotions and become a freer, more `real’ person. It won’t be very comfortable for a while but you need to go through it, quite obviously. With your counselor, explore childhood and other past influences so as to better understand yourself and where you’re at right now. Then you’ll be able to be more powerful in the future.
Monday, February 19, 2007
New Questions - February 2007
Here is the place to get your questions answered! If you have questions of a psychological nature for Dr. Saunders, please send her an email at drchar@ca.com.au and we'll be sure it gets answered in an upcoming issue. Be sure to include "Hot Psychology Question" in the subject line. In the meantime, take a look below at some of the things people are asking. If you'd like more information on Dr. Saunders, please feel free to visit her site at www.charmainesaunders.com.
Question 1:
Is it true that the average human uses only 10% of their brain? If so does this mean the entire brain, memory, function, etc? If not, what percentage do we use and for what functions? Thank You
Answer 1:
Only 10% of the human mind is conscious; the rest is unconscious, which means that we have a very small percentage with which to reason, rationalize and understand at the conscious level. As a counselor, I work a lot with clients to try to uncover unconscious motivation because personally, I don't like the idea that my actions, feelings, choices are governed by such a large mind of my mind that I don't even know about!
That is ultimately the purpose of therapy - to bring more and more up into the light of consciousness. It is a slow, sometimes painful journey but ultimately very rewarding.
I've answered your question broadly in psychological terms since that's my field. I suggest you read Carl Jung's writings for more clarification and any basic psychology book will give you the details you seek. Look up the `Johari Window' which is a very interesting approach to the subject.
Question 2:
I have had this best male friend for a long time now and I've been sort of thinking of asking him out. I'm just scared that I'd only be jeopardizing what we have now. Do you think I should cross that line?
Answer 2:
Life is full of risk and yes, you'd be taking one by asking your friend out but there are what I called positive risks, in other words, not foolhardy ones.
This could be one of those. If you're friends, aren't you already going out and doing things together a lot? Why don't you just start creating some opportunities to be alone with him, to do more personal things? If there’s any possibility of romantic feelings developing, surely it will become clear.
They say that the best relationships are those that begin with a basis of friendship. The natural way is usually best so trust that and let it happen.
Question 3:
I'm in a fairly new relationship and my problem is that I don't feel I'm getting the quality of time I want from my partner. To me, finding stability and happiness in a relationship requires a lot of time and it's important to develop true intimacy but my partner is always busy - with his work, interests, best friend, etc. Am I being unreasonable or possessive? Please advise.
Paula
Answer 3:
You've touched on one of my hobby-horses in this question. I believe very strongly in the importance of quality time in relationships. We're all busy these days but my argument is if you're too busy to make time for a relationship, why be in one?
True intimacy takes a lot of time, and trust, which can't be established overnight. This is true of all human relationships.
Try to work out a schedule with this guy that works for both of you. Don't demand what you feel you need - ask him for his input, his feelings and ideas. It may be simply a practical exercise to work out a way to get down-time with each other every day. I recommend this to all my couples. Of course, if he's keeping himself busy to avoid finding intimacy with you then it's another ball game altogether. Try the simple solution first.
Question 4:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and have lived together for the past year. Small gestures of thoughtfulness such as notes and kind deeds are very important to me. I do them for him and expect the same from him. This is not his way. He is not very considerate and such things don't come naturally. I am willing to deal with the fact that this is not in his nature, but I would like him to try to make an effort, once or twice for me. At least once a week, I ask him to please take me out on a date, write a cute note, do anything! We love each other very much and I know that he wants to be with me forever, but why can't he do this for me, even when I tell him that it's destroying our relationship? We have even been to counseling for this and that hasn't helped. He says that he is lazy and doesn't have enough money, but those are just excuses. I tell him that a post-it note with "I love you" on it is fine. What should I do? It all seems so hopeless.
Answer 4:
You said it all when you said `it's not his way.' Some people find it very difficult to express themselves emotionally or romantically. You have attracted him as an opposite in your life because you too have something to learn from this situation - acceptance. If you love this guy, you have to take him as he is. You can ask for more attention, small gestures and so on but you admit yourself that you're doing this every week. He no doubt feels pressured and therefore, is less likely to try to please you. Surely you don't want contrived gestures, do you? If he doesn't feel it and only does it to keep you from nagging, it doesn't sound a very attractive proposition to me.
Keep doing the sweet little things that come naturally to you but don't ask him to reciprocate. Look for the ways in which he loves you despite his laziness. I'm not saying he can't improve but he's not going to change his basic nature.
If it's not good enough, find someone who's more romantic - otherwise, you're dooming both of you to a life of frustration and deep dissatisfaction.
Question 1:
Is it true that the average human uses only 10% of their brain? If so does this mean the entire brain, memory, function, etc? If not, what percentage do we use and for what functions? Thank You
Answer 1:
Only 10% of the human mind is conscious; the rest is unconscious, which means that we have a very small percentage with which to reason, rationalize and understand at the conscious level. As a counselor, I work a lot with clients to try to uncover unconscious motivation because personally, I don't like the idea that my actions, feelings, choices are governed by such a large mind of my mind that I don't even know about!
That is ultimately the purpose of therapy - to bring more and more up into the light of consciousness. It is a slow, sometimes painful journey but ultimately very rewarding.
I've answered your question broadly in psychological terms since that's my field. I suggest you read Carl Jung's writings for more clarification and any basic psychology book will give you the details you seek. Look up the `Johari Window' which is a very interesting approach to the subject.
Question 2:
I have had this best male friend for a long time now and I've been sort of thinking of asking him out. I'm just scared that I'd only be jeopardizing what we have now. Do you think I should cross that line?
Answer 2:
Life is full of risk and yes, you'd be taking one by asking your friend out but there are what I called positive risks, in other words, not foolhardy ones.
This could be one of those. If you're friends, aren't you already going out and doing things together a lot? Why don't you just start creating some opportunities to be alone with him, to do more personal things? If there’s any possibility of romantic feelings developing, surely it will become clear.
They say that the best relationships are those that begin with a basis of friendship. The natural way is usually best so trust that and let it happen.
Question 3:
I'm in a fairly new relationship and my problem is that I don't feel I'm getting the quality of time I want from my partner. To me, finding stability and happiness in a relationship requires a lot of time and it's important to develop true intimacy but my partner is always busy - with his work, interests, best friend, etc. Am I being unreasonable or possessive? Please advise.
Paula
Answer 3:
You've touched on one of my hobby-horses in this question. I believe very strongly in the importance of quality time in relationships. We're all busy these days but my argument is if you're too busy to make time for a relationship, why be in one?
True intimacy takes a lot of time, and trust, which can't be established overnight. This is true of all human relationships.
Try to work out a schedule with this guy that works for both of you. Don't demand what you feel you need - ask him for his input, his feelings and ideas. It may be simply a practical exercise to work out a way to get down-time with each other every day. I recommend this to all my couples. Of course, if he's keeping himself busy to avoid finding intimacy with you then it's another ball game altogether. Try the simple solution first.
Question 4:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and have lived together for the past year. Small gestures of thoughtfulness such as notes and kind deeds are very important to me. I do them for him and expect the same from him. This is not his way. He is not very considerate and such things don't come naturally. I am willing to deal with the fact that this is not in his nature, but I would like him to try to make an effort, once or twice for me. At least once a week, I ask him to please take me out on a date, write a cute note, do anything! We love each other very much and I know that he wants to be with me forever, but why can't he do this for me, even when I tell him that it's destroying our relationship? We have even been to counseling for this and that hasn't helped. He says that he is lazy and doesn't have enough money, but those are just excuses. I tell him that a post-it note with "I love you" on it is fine. What should I do? It all seems so hopeless.
Answer 4:
You said it all when you said `it's not his way.' Some people find it very difficult to express themselves emotionally or romantically. You have attracted him as an opposite in your life because you too have something to learn from this situation - acceptance. If you love this guy, you have to take him as he is. You can ask for more attention, small gestures and so on but you admit yourself that you're doing this every week. He no doubt feels pressured and therefore, is less likely to try to please you. Surely you don't want contrived gestures, do you? If he doesn't feel it and only does it to keep you from nagging, it doesn't sound a very attractive proposition to me.
Keep doing the sweet little things that come naturally to you but don't ask him to reciprocate. Look for the ways in which he loves you despite his laziness. I'm not saying he can't improve but he's not going to change his basic nature.
If it's not good enough, find someone who's more romantic - otherwise, you're dooming both of you to a life of frustration and deep dissatisfaction.
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