New Questions - March 2007

By Dr. Charmaine Saunders

Question 1:

I wonder if you could explain something to me. Why do I always pick `bad’ boys and when the nice ones like me, I’m not interested?

Answer 1:

This is a very interesting question and one that I hear constantly as a counselor. I will try to explain it in a general and clear way even though it is a very complicated question in some ways. Firstly, your background comes into it. What was your childhood like? How did you see your parents behave with each other? This is our first and most significant influence in regard to relationships. Was your father a `bad boy?’ Secondly, your self-esteem. If you do not at a deep level think much of yourself, you will not allow anyone nice to love you. You will doubt it, question it or bully it out of existence. A bad boy would seem more comfortable, more fitting and you will allow him to hurt you without a second thought but letting a nice guy love you is too scary because you feel unworthy. What I suggest you do is try to identify your relationship pattern. We all have one and if it’s not making us happy or bringing fulfillment into our lives, we need to trace back to the source of it and then let it go. This might take a lot of work and heartache but it will be worth it in the end as it will bring a new day, a whole new beginning. Look at how your relationships have operated so far - how they begin, how they end, what the guys were like, how you felt, how they acted, were you the pursuer or the pursued, who ended it? The answers to these questions will give you a lot of clues as to where you’ve been and will enable you to start looking at where you want to be in the future. Remember, you do have choices and you do have power. Refuse to be a slave to your past.

Question 2:

I’m in love with a girl who isn’t right for me. My friends tell me she’s not sincere but I have very low self -esteem and when she smiles at me or talks to me, I can’t help falling in love with her. What is someone like me supposed to do? How do you get over someone you love that you can’t have?

Answer 2:

You have your answer in the text of your question - low self-esteem. Most of us suffer from this problem which we bring from childhood and it requires a deep desire for change in order to gain a more positive self-image. Once you have that, your life will change in every area and you will attract the things you want into your life effortlessly. Could I suggest that you are not really in love with this girl. Firstly, you don’t really know her and secondly, your feelings for her are probably coming from a place of self-negation. When you love yourself, you will not put up with insincerity and manipulation. I always think of the Carly Simon lyric - `I haven’t the need for the pain.’ You don’t need the pain now but you haven’t realized it yet. You can’t get over someone you never really had and it’s always up to you yourself to find the courage to move on. If this girl really isn’t right for you, let her go, knowing full well you’ll meet other more

Question 3:

I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. The feelings have deepened but my partner seems no closer to wanting us to move in together or perhaps get married one day. We’ve talked around it endlessly but I’m left with the sure knowledge that he likes things as they are and doesn’t want to change. Am I being unreasonable?

Hilda

Answer 3:

You may benefit from some couples counseling as it’s often easier to sort out apparent stalemates when there’s an impartial third party. Other than that, you’ve basically got to decide if you are satisfied with this relationship as it is. If he’s perfectly happy and you’re not, there may be no simple solution. You’ve probably talked enough for now and it’s really crunch time. Tell this guy how you feel and make it clear you can’t settle for the current situation. If there’s still no movement, only you can decide whether to stay or leave.

Question 4:

I'm in a responsible position at work and have a young family. I’ve always done the `right thing’ all my life and people think I’m very `together’ and a happy person. Recently, my world has been unraveling and it’s really scaring me. I cracked up at work and now am on sick leave for a few weeks. I’m on anti-depressants and am seeing a counselor but any thoughts from you? I’m 42.

Mark

Answer 4:

My first thought was possibly mid-life crisis. You’re at the right age for it. It’s hitting you extra hard because you have led a conventional life and perhaps hidden a lot of your true feelings. Now all of a sudden, it feels as if you can’t suppress insecurities, doubts, fears etc any longer. I see this as very healthy because by crying, screaming, writing, even throwing things at the wall, you can release pent-up emotions and become a freer, more `real’ person. It won’t be very comfortable for a while but you need to go through it, quite obviously. With your counselor, explore childhood and other past influences so as to better understand yourself and where you’re at right now. Then you’ll be able to be more powerful in the future.