New Questions - April 2007

Question 1:

I'm a 26 year old virgin. How do I tell men? Everyone just assumes you're sexually active and it makes me feel inadequate and lacking.
Angela

Answer 1:

You are a late bloomer, that's all! By average standards, most women of your age have experienced sex but whether you haven't because of personal choice or lack of opportunity, it is very much your own business. I certainly wouldn't announce to casual dates if I were you. The wrong guys will either see you as a challenge or they'll assume you're `frigid.' When someone special comes along, you'll have no difficulty telling him about your virginal status and he will think it's terrific!

Question 2:

I read about your book, `Teenage stress' and as I have a boy aged 16, I bought it for him. The problem is I can’t get him to read it! He says he doesn’t need any advice or help. It’s not that he is particularly difficult or that we get along badly but I would’ve thought that young people today would realise what a challenging world they’re entering, and ask for guidance. But, oh, no, they just go along pretending to know it all. It’s so frustrating. I'm very worried about his future. How can I get him to at least read your book?
Mrs. J.

Answer 2:

When I was doing all the publicity for the book, the question came up several times about how to get teenagers themselves to read it. Of course, I was aware in choosing to write on this topic that my audience might be less than enthusiastic! It’s understandable that teenagers get sick of adults telling them how to dress, feel, behave, think and so on. I hope my book isn’t like that at all. I try to make all my writing accessible, practical and down to earth. With this particular book, I was very careful not to talk down to my readers and to use language that they can relate to. I know that once teenagers dip their toes in, they’ll want to swim right out with my book but you can’t force them to start, unfortunately. I suggest you leave it lying around and let your son pick it up if he wishes rather than make an issue of it. It does have a section about employment if that’s what’s worrying you. In the meantime, I hope you get something out of the parents' section.

Question 3:

I'm dating a married man and I have tried umpteen times to break it off and of course, I rightfully, get no sympathy from friends. There are a number of reasons why it’s a hopeless situation. Firstly, it’s not very satisfying for me. I'm always second best, waiting around for crumbs. Then there’s all the guilt. I have no illusion that the guy will leave his wife as I know he loves her and I'm just his `bit on the side' so I feel I'm wasting my time when I could be meeting someone for myself. For all this, I can’t bring myself to actually make the break. What’s wrong with me?
Jane

Answer 3:

You might be what we call a `love addict.' This term suggests someone who is addicted to a particular person or to the idea of love itself. We probably all have a bit of this condition within us. It’s all tied up with the idea of co-dependency. What you need to do in order to sever yourself from this man is to take your power back, to be in charge of your own life again.
I wouldn’t dream of telling you what is morally wrong as that is a personal judgment but the fact that you’re unhappy is already speaking volumes. You want and deserve your own life, husband, family, whatever it is you decide you would like to bring into your life and in a way, this affair is an obstacle to your dreams. I don’t think you’ll be able to break off without doing some work on this area of your life.

Question 4:

I’m in a responsible position at work and have a young family. I’ve always done the `right thing’ all my life and people think I’m very `together’ and a happy person. Recently, my world has been unraveling and it’s really scaring me. I cracked up at work and now am on sick leave for a few weeks. I’m on anti-depressants and am seeing a counselor but any thoughts from you? I’m 42.
Mark

Answer 4:

My first thought was possibly mid-life crisis. You’re at the right age for it. It’s hitting you extra hard because you have led a conventional life and perhaps hidden a lot of your true feelings. Now all of a sudden, it feels as if you can’t suppress insecurities, doubts, fears etc any longer. I see this as very healthy because by crying, screaming, writing, even throwing things at the wall, you can release pent-up emotions and become a freer, more `real’ person. It won’t be very comfortable for a while but you need to go through it, quite obviously. With your counselor, explore childhood and other past influences so as to better understand yourself and where you’re at right now. Then you’ll be able to be more powerful in the future.

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