New Questions - February 2007

Here is the place to get your questions answered! If you have questions of a psychological nature for Dr. Saunders, please send her an email at drchar@ca.com.au and we'll be sure it gets answered in an upcoming issue. Be sure to include "Hot Psychology Question" in the subject line. In the meantime, take a look below at some of the things people are asking. If you'd like more information on Dr. Saunders, please feel free to visit her site at www.charmainesaunders.com.

Question 1:

Is it true that the average human uses only 10% of their brain? If so does this mean the entire brain, memory, function, etc? If not, what percentage do we use and for what functions? Thank You

Answer 1:

Only 10% of the human mind is conscious; the rest is unconscious, which means that we have a very small percentage with which to reason, rationalize and understand at the conscious level. As a counselor, I work a lot with clients to try to uncover unconscious motivation because personally, I don't like the idea that my actions, feelings, choices are governed by such a large mind of my mind that I don't even know about!

That is ultimately the purpose of therapy - to bring more and more up into the light of consciousness. It is a slow, sometimes painful journey but ultimately very rewarding.
I've answered your question broadly in psychological terms since that's my field. I suggest you read Carl Jung's writings for more clarification and any basic psychology book will give you the details you seek. Look up the `Johari Window' which is a very interesting approach to the subject.

Question 2:

I have had this best male friend for a long time now and I've been sort of thinking of asking him out. I'm just scared that I'd only be jeopardizing what we have now. Do you think I should cross that line?

Answer 2:

Life is full of risk and yes, you'd be taking one by asking your friend out but there are what I called positive risks, in other words, not foolhardy ones.

This could be one of those. If you're friends, aren't you already going out and doing things together a lot? Why don't you just start creating some opportunities to be alone with him, to do more personal things? If there’s any possibility of romantic feelings developing, surely it will become clear.

They say that the best relationships are those that begin with a basis of friendship. The natural way is usually best so trust that and let it happen.

Question 3:

I'm in a fairly new relationship and my problem is that I don't feel I'm getting the quality of time I want from my partner. To me, finding stability and happiness in a relationship requires a lot of time and it's important to develop true intimacy but my partner is always busy - with his work, interests, best friend, etc. Am I being unreasonable or possessive? Please advise.
Paula

Answer 3:

You've touched on one of my hobby-horses in this question. I believe very strongly in the importance of quality time in relationships. We're all busy these days but my argument is if you're too busy to make time for a relationship, why be in one?

True intimacy takes a lot of time, and trust, which can't be established overnight. This is true of all human relationships.
Try to work out a schedule with this guy that works for both of you. Don't demand what you feel you need - ask him for his input, his feelings and ideas. It may be simply a practical exercise to work out a way to get down-time with each other every day. I recommend this to all my couples. Of course, if he's keeping himself busy to avoid finding intimacy with you then it's another ball game altogether. Try the simple solution first.

Question 4:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and have lived together for the past year. Small gestures of thoughtfulness such as notes and kind deeds are very important to me. I do them for him and expect the same from him. This is not his way. He is not very considerate and such things don't come naturally. I am willing to deal with the fact that this is not in his nature, but I would like him to try to make an effort, once or twice for me. At least once a week, I ask him to please take me out on a date, write a cute note, do anything! We love each other very much and I know that he wants to be with me forever, but why can't he do this for me, even when I tell him that it's destroying our relationship? We have even been to counseling for this and that hasn't helped. He says that he is lazy and doesn't have enough money, but those are just excuses. I tell him that a post-it note with "I love you" on it is fine. What should I do? It all seems so hopeless.

Answer 4:

You said it all when you said `it's not his way.' Some people find it very difficult to express themselves emotionally or romantically. You have attracted him as an opposite in your life because you too have something to learn from this situation - acceptance. If you love this guy, you have to take him as he is. You can ask for more attention, small gestures and so on but you admit yourself that you're doing this every week. He no doubt feels pressured and therefore, is less likely to try to please you. Surely you don't want contrived gestures, do you? If he doesn't feel it and only does it to keep you from nagging, it doesn't sound a very attractive proposition to me.

Keep doing the sweet little things that come naturally to you but don't ask him to reciprocate. Look for the ways in which he loves you despite his laziness. I'm not saying he can't improve but he's not going to change his basic nature.

If it's not good enough, find someone who's more romantic - otherwise, you're dooming both of you to a life of frustration and deep dissatisfaction.