New Questions - July 2007

1/
Why do you think some couples wish to remain friends even after nasty and/or painful break ups?
Ken

A/ I don’t know that this happens as much. People who are in very hostile relationships stay together to work through their own anger, aggression and issues etc. Once the break is finally made, what would be the value of seeing each other? If they do, it would be toxic and not really friendship unless one or both radically changes. Relationships are based on pay-offs. We engage in them for a variety of reasons. If we're in one that's very painful, we're probably relieved when it's over. However, if two people were friends to start with, if breaking up is done with love, warmth, respect and dignity, they can remain friends. Though I usually advise a lapse of time after a break-up before friendship as such is attempted. If only one person wanted to break up or the actual separation was very bitter, it would be virtually impossible. Forgiveness is also a key factor, of course. And desire for friendship. All relationships are challenging and friendship between sexes is especially so but very worthwhile when it can be achieved.

2/
Hi Charmaine,
I am 32. You may find my situation unusual or plain weird, but here it goes:
About a month ago a very shy 26 year old girl got a job in the company I work for. At first no one talked to her, and I felt attracted to her in a way that I have not felt for a long, long time – sixteen years actually. We never exchanged many words at a time or had a decent conversation, but in a little while she finally started loosening up a little and communicating with other people in our department. I thought my effort has paid off and I felt very good indeed for it.
About a week ago, she started sending discrete flirting signals – many times over a couple of days I would catch her looking towards me and she would give me a broad smile when our eyes meet. She would find little excuses to get physically close to me – using my fax ever though she had six fax machines closer, borrowing my access card even though she had her own etc. Every time she was very careful that no-one could see us together. Gradually we started talking longer and more frequently.
My feelings for her grew stronger and I thought we might have some chemistry building up. Until then I did not want to rush with anything: I am a very shy type myself and I would never ask a girl out unless I have real feelings for her (a one night stand for me is an absolute no-no). So far I was committed to a relationship only once as a teenager.
Then one day she walked by and I gave her my warmest, most honest smile and locked her eyes for a couple of seconds. It seemed as if that very moment scared her to death and she instantly froze. After that I tried to strike a conversation with her a couple of times, but she seems to avoid me like a plague. The worst thing of all was when I realised that I had feelings for her I have not had for a girl in many years.
I know she is not a player but everything in her recent behaviour is confusing me to despair. I am hoping your expertise may shine some light on the situation.
Thanks in advance,
Darren

A/
This girl likes you as a friend and she obviously enjoys flirting with you but when you nakedly exhibited your feelings, she backed off. She then seemed to regret her playful friendship with you because she realized you got the wrong idea. Believe me, you don’t want to walk into a situation based on unrequited love and that type of pain. This girl has been leading you on a bit but probably didn't mean to hurt you deliberately. You have romanticised the situation. That’s why she’s distancing herself. Just be a friend for now – that’s what she really needs. Anything else will have to wait and if it’s meant to be, it will happen. Working together further complicates matters as things could get very tense if she begins to feel pressured by you.
I understand that your feelings are strong but you don't really know this girl so it could be just infatuation. Relax, don't take yourself too seriously. Many people get scared off by strong feelings too soon. Relations between men and women are very confusing at times so play it cooler and trust the future. If it's not this girl, there'll be another who might suit you even better.

3/
Hi Charmaine,
I'd just like to let you know that I took your previous advice and have finally dropped my boyfriend. He continued with his irrational behavior to the point where verbal insults were directed.
We started going out in the beginning of January after I wrote to you, it was good while it lasted, his sister got married and we had a wonderful day, but it wasn’t long after where he started again...
A month ago, I went over a girlfriend’s house after work and he became very abusive on the phone when I called him later that night. He called me all sorts of things. I could not believe this as I thought he had come to his senses and he promised me that he would behave and try to change.
Later on that month, he told me that he wanted to get engaged and later this year get married because he thinks that our lives and everything is to difficult and causing us to fight and that by getting married would change things.
Last Sunday, we met up and he told me that there needs to be changes if we want this relationship to work. I listened and thought they were ridiculous:
We are not seeing each other during the week because he works late and he is tired so only weekends.
If we go out to dinner or movies, we are to pay our own way
When I go out, he doesn’t want me to tell him and he won’t ask. The same with him; I'm not allowed to ask him what he is doing and he wont tell me.
So basically he wants us to have less communication and give each other space... I cannot live with this, it is just more pain, I can’t handle anymore. He is pushing me away and I think that is no relationship to have. It might as well be friendship.
So I have told him the way I feel and said that I think it is best that I just end it.
I feel lonely and bad for dropping him but know I have made the right decision. Do you agree? Can you give me any advice besides keeping myself busy? I just feel so lost now.
Thank you,
Amanda
A/

Thank you for your follow-up letter. It's always good to get feedback and I'm happy to offer further advice on your situation.
The first important message is that marriage is NOT a remedy for a bad relationship. It's hard enough even for very positive couples.
His list of conditions didn't take your wishes into consideration. It's a great idea to suggest strategies for improvement but they can't be edicts! It needs to be negotiated. Also, you're right in saying that those new rules basically created more distance rather than better communication. You made a brave and self-loving decision to end the relationship as it was hurting you. So, the big question is - why do you feel bad?! I think this is just a conditioned response. Of course you're going to feel lonely and doubt yourself a bit but over time, these feelings will fade and be replaced by a new perspective and, I'm sure, a brighter future. In the meantime, focus on yourself, find new interests, get out and meet people and read books about relationships so you won't repeat the patterns that have caused your recent problems.

4/
Hi,
My fiance of 6 years broke up with me in November 2005. We lived together for 5 years. We broke up once before and he came back to me after 6 months. I still love him very very much. Since we broke up, we have still had sex at least every month. If I haven't contacted him for 2-3 days, he rings me to see how I am. When I hang up, I still always say I love you, and he still says it too. I just want to know what is going on in his head. I would take him back in a heartbeat.
`Confused.'

A/
It seems to me that your situation is more about working on your relationship than about coping with a break-up. What reason did your fiance give for ending the relationship? You need to be clear why you broke up in the first place. Then you can decide if there's any real hope for a future together. Don't hand over all the decision-making and power to your guy. It's up to both of you to decide what you want. It doesn't sound as if you've really let go but caring about each other and having occasional sex is not the same as being in a committed relationship. My advice is to work on your issues or let go altogether. Neither of these choices is as easy as what you're doing now but I don't think drifting along as you are is healthy for either of you. If you want to know what's in his head, ask. Have an honest talk and make some positive changes.

New Questions - June 2007

Question 1:

I'm 29 years old and an incest survivor. I am in therapy at present and have been for the last year and a half. It has helped me greatly. My problem is that I'm realizing there are more survivors out there and I need to meet them. Do you think they help people or just confuse them? Maybe I can help by just listening. If I could help even one survivor, it has made my experience worth something.
I love reading your page every month.
Hilda

Answer 1:

I've always encouraged sufferers of a variety of conditions to join in support groups or start one up because I strongly believe it helps to meet with others who have shared your experience. It takes away the feeling of isolation, loneliness, fear and shame when you realize others have been through a similar situation. I think you will definitely benefit and in sharing your story with others, it will help them too. Your letter characterizes the belief that every bad situation carries a silver lining. It's a great credit to you that
you care enough about the pain of others to want to join a group and ease your own hurt at the same time. I encourage you to seek out a support group in your local area and move forward into a brighter future.

Question 2:

My beloved dog died two years ago and I'm now ready to get another one. Unfortunately, I'm renting a house and I'm not allowed to keep pets there. I've even applied directly to the owner but he said no. I understand that a lot of people with pets wreck properties but so do children and careless adults. It just seems so unfair when I'm a careful person and only want a small dog to keep me company. I know this is not your usual sort of problem but could you tell me what I might do?
MAY

Answer 2:

I think it's very cruel to prevent people having pets just because of some irresponsible tenants. It makes my blood boil when I hear of old people having to choose between beloved companions and accommodation. There's not much you can do apart from moving when your current lease runs out which you should definitely consider if the landlord won't bend the rules for you. In the meantime, what about asking him to compromise on a little kitten? Owners will often allow cats when they don't allow dogs. If you think you're only a dog-person, think again. People who dislike cats have never lived with one. They grow on you and are terrific company. Why not try it? Otherwise, get involved in helping an animal welfare agency, shelters and other similar organizations so you can have contact with dogs while you're waiting to get your own. You could even offer a dog-minding or walking service. Every negative situation has a positive flip-side. It's up to you to find it.

Question 3:
I have been with my wife for 17 years and we have three children together. I'm 35 and
my wife is 41. I love my wife dearly, but I have been very insecure
for a long time. I love making love to her almost every day but the problem
is my wife does not initiate or make time for us on a regular basis. We make
love at least once in 3 weeks but I feel she is not attracted to me and she does not desire me sexually. My wife feels I have a huge problem which I have deal with myself. She is a beautiful woman inside and out and she feels very content with what we have and does not think
she is the problem. I'm not writing to you to find out who is at fault here
but for advice on how we can both be happy. I get very frustrated and angry
when my advances are always turned down by my wife. She has had two strokes
in the last 6 years which has changed a lot of things also. I cheated on my wife
through sheer frustration two years ago. Please can you shed some light into my difficult situation?
Thank you,
Mr. R

Answer 3:
I'm glad you're not looking for fault because that's a waste of energy and unhelpful. Neither of you is to blame for this situation. Libido is rarely identical in a marriage but the main thing is to maintain intimacy and make love often enough to satisfy individual and couple needs. If your wife is content then I guess the issue is yours. Enjoying sex is fine but you can't ask your wife to be available every time you want it. Frequency is surely not the only important factor in your love life. She has had major illness in recent years which will of course affect her libido as well. The most telling line in your letter is the one where you say you've been insecure for a long time. After 17 years, you must know your wife loves you so it seems you're equating how much you're loved with how much sex you have. The fact that your wife is not as keen as you are in the bedroom does not mean she doesn't desire you. I'm afraid you do have to work on this for yourself then your relationship will improve.

Question 4:
I want to impress a girl on a first date but not do the obvious either. Any ideas?
Tom

Answer 4:

You need to take the trouble to find out her likes and dislikes. If your date is an outdoor type, she's not going to want to spend several hours cooped in somewhere. On the other hand, a girl who enjoys the opera might not want to go out boating on a river. First dates are usually dinner or a movie or the two together. You really can't go wrong with this plan but you said you wanted something different so think outside the box. Unless a woman is really materialistic, she will love anything you plan for her as long as it shows thought. I personally prefer a first date to provide the opportunity for the two people to get to know each other so plan around that, keep it simple and most importantly, relax. It'll be fun as long as you make up your mind to please her and yourself without any pressure.