New Questions - August 2007

Question 1:

I'm 23 and my fiancé is 26. We've been going out for 2 years now. After a couple of rough patches (differences in opinion have caused a lot of arguments lately), I've come to notice that I no longer lust after him. I love him with all my heart and don't understand why this is happening. Sex in the beginning for us was amazing and very often. My orgasms were really strong and I wanted my partner all the time. About 6 months ago I went through with a termination that both of us took very hard, but through it all, there was never any blaming and we got through it together. From the surgery, my insides were very dry and that sex burned and was painful. We had very little sexual contact for those six months. I do get aroused, but not because I want my partner, more because my body is responding to his advances or the thought of having it. But when my partner shows me attention, my body just seems to shut off! It upsets me as I know my partner deserves to be wanted, and I want to want him. He is afraid that he is doing something wrong, or different but I doubt very much it is anything like that. Has all the arguing changed something in me mentally? I desperately want to fix this as I love him so much and I want to be with him wholeheartedly again. Just to clarify, I do not look for advances anywhere else, he's the only one I want and yet my body just doesn't want to react. Why is this happening? Thank you for your advice. It is very much appreciated
Jenny

Answer 1:

All sexual relations diminish over time or at least, get less magical. Certainly arguments will affect libido and performance because we're not robots. Sex is very personal and linked to our emotions. There are any number of reasons for decrease in interest and frequency but in your case, I think it's specifically to do with the termination. Even if you don't regret it on a practical level, under the surface there could be unresolved grief. You say you can respond physically and you love your fiance so the cause is probably some underlying emotion. My educated guess is that you're afraid of falling pregnant again. You may be taking precautions but these feelings are not rational. I suggest you get some closure from this event in your life, let your body heal, do some deeper grieving and then move forward to a happier stage.

Question 2:

I've just met someone really nice and I hope it can become more than friendship but I want to take it slow. My problem is that the guy rings me every day, asks me to go out two or three times a week and I'm feeling really pressured. It also happens to be a particularly busy time for me at work so all in all, it's not good. Id I ask him to give me some breathing space, will he think I don't like him? I don't know what to do.
Fran

Answer 2:

Call time out to start with as you're sounding really stressed, and from what you say, you have every reason to be. Part of a healthy relationship is considering the other person's feelings and this guy isn't doing that. Your first move should be to toss it down and explain the situation without implying any criticism. If he can't give you the understanding and space you need right now, it's probably better if things don't progress any further. If you are to have a future, it's best to start as you mean to go on so have the courage to risk losing him rather than making yourself ill trying to please him. Caring for others should never mean damaging ourselves. If he doesn't know that, you will not be happy together. This type of thing only gets worse, never better, if not sorted.

Question 3:

I've been in a new relationship for a few months and am enjoying it but I've still been seeing my ex although on a strictly platonic basis. Our relationship was a long one and ended badly so I was pleased when she made overtures recently to see me again. I've been totally honest with my new girlfriend but she keeps asking me if there's any chance I'm going back to my ex. I've told her I can't totally rule out the possibility. I suppose I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too but its early days in my new relationship and I have history with my ex that I want to preserve. Am I wrong?
Brett

Answer 3:

Whilst I advocate honesty in relationships 100%, I do think you're expecting too much of your new girlfriend in this situation. You say you haven't shut the door on going back which tells me you still have feelings for her beyond friendship. It's great to stay in touch with exes as long as the parameters are clear. In your case, I think there was unfinished business and perhaps your ego needs to believe your ex still wants you. It's not really fair to keep both women on the line and your girlfriend's insecurity is easy to understand. I'd suggest you stop seeing the new one till you're sure where you stand with the past. Once it's resolved, you can move forward with the woman you choose and just be friends with the other if you still wish.

Question 4:

I met a wonderful guy online. We are compatible in everything except that I'm a lot heavier than he likes and I haven't told him the truth about my weight. I am dieting for health reasons, not for him. Should I stop communicating with him until I lose the excess pounds?
Rose

Answer 4:

Many people `gild the lily' online, in other words, make themselves out to be more than they are. You basically did this and now you're regretting it. Fix it before it gets worse and you lose all chance of having a real relationship with this guy. At some stage, he's going to want to see you in person and if he finds out you lied, that may end any future you could have. Why not tell him exactly what you've told me - that you're overweight but working hard to lose it. He'd quite likely to admire you for this. If, as you say, you're compatible and really like each other, trust that and don't assume the guy is shallow enough to drip you like a hot potato just because of your weight. If he does indeed do this, you don't want to know him anyway. You are not your weight.