New Questions - June 2007

Question 1:

I'm 29 years old and an incest survivor. I am in therapy at present and have been for the last year and a half. It has helped me greatly. My problem is that I'm realizing there are more survivors out there and I need to meet them. Do you think they help people or just confuse them? Maybe I can help by just listening. If I could help even one survivor, it has made my experience worth something.
I love reading your page every month.
Hilda

Answer 1:

I've always encouraged sufferers of a variety of conditions to join in support groups or start one up because I strongly believe it helps to meet with others who have shared your experience. It takes away the feeling of isolation, loneliness, fear and shame when you realize others have been through a similar situation. I think you will definitely benefit and in sharing your story with others, it will help them too. Your letter characterizes the belief that every bad situation carries a silver lining. It's a great credit to you that
you care enough about the pain of others to want to join a group and ease your own hurt at the same time. I encourage you to seek out a support group in your local area and move forward into a brighter future.

Question 2:

My beloved dog died two years ago and I'm now ready to get another one. Unfortunately, I'm renting a house and I'm not allowed to keep pets there. I've even applied directly to the owner but he said no. I understand that a lot of people with pets wreck properties but so do children and careless adults. It just seems so unfair when I'm a careful person and only want a small dog to keep me company. I know this is not your usual sort of problem but could you tell me what I might do?
MAY

Answer 2:

I think it's very cruel to prevent people having pets just because of some irresponsible tenants. It makes my blood boil when I hear of old people having to choose between beloved companions and accommodation. There's not much you can do apart from moving when your current lease runs out which you should definitely consider if the landlord won't bend the rules for you. In the meantime, what about asking him to compromise on a little kitten? Owners will often allow cats when they don't allow dogs. If you think you're only a dog-person, think again. People who dislike cats have never lived with one. They grow on you and are terrific company. Why not try it? Otherwise, get involved in helping an animal welfare agency, shelters and other similar organizations so you can have contact with dogs while you're waiting to get your own. You could even offer a dog-minding or walking service. Every negative situation has a positive flip-side. It's up to you to find it.

Question 3:
I have been with my wife for 17 years and we have three children together. I'm 35 and
my wife is 41. I love my wife dearly, but I have been very insecure
for a long time. I love making love to her almost every day but the problem
is my wife does not initiate or make time for us on a regular basis. We make
love at least once in 3 weeks but I feel she is not attracted to me and she does not desire me sexually. My wife feels I have a huge problem which I have deal with myself. She is a beautiful woman inside and out and she feels very content with what we have and does not think
she is the problem. I'm not writing to you to find out who is at fault here
but for advice on how we can both be happy. I get very frustrated and angry
when my advances are always turned down by my wife. She has had two strokes
in the last 6 years which has changed a lot of things also. I cheated on my wife
through sheer frustration two years ago. Please can you shed some light into my difficult situation?
Thank you,
Mr. R

Answer 3:
I'm glad you're not looking for fault because that's a waste of energy and unhelpful. Neither of you is to blame for this situation. Libido is rarely identical in a marriage but the main thing is to maintain intimacy and make love often enough to satisfy individual and couple needs. If your wife is content then I guess the issue is yours. Enjoying sex is fine but you can't ask your wife to be available every time you want it. Frequency is surely not the only important factor in your love life. She has had major illness in recent years which will of course affect her libido as well. The most telling line in your letter is the one where you say you've been insecure for a long time. After 17 years, you must know your wife loves you so it seems you're equating how much you're loved with how much sex you have. The fact that your wife is not as keen as you are in the bedroom does not mean she doesn't desire you. I'm afraid you do have to work on this for yourself then your relationship will improve.

Question 4:
I want to impress a girl on a first date but not do the obvious either. Any ideas?
Tom

Answer 4:

You need to take the trouble to find out her likes and dislikes. If your date is an outdoor type, she's not going to want to spend several hours cooped in somewhere. On the other hand, a girl who enjoys the opera might not want to go out boating on a river. First dates are usually dinner or a movie or the two together. You really can't go wrong with this plan but you said you wanted something different so think outside the box. Unless a woman is really materialistic, she will love anything you plan for her as long as it shows thought. I personally prefer a first date to provide the opportunity for the two people to get to know each other so plan around that, keep it simple and most importantly, relax. It'll be fun as long as you make up your mind to please her and yourself without any pressure.