New Questions - May 2007

Question 1:

I have recently started seeing a lady. She's very easy to be with and we enjoy each other's company. She seems to like me but I can't tell! We met in a pub quite by chance and it seemed natural to make arrangements to see each other after that. We've now gone out a few times but I can see no clues either way as to whether I really stand a chance with her or if she just wants a `mate.’ It's too early for romance or anything and it's not that I want to race her into bed but I would like some sort of sign. Am I being too impatient?
Jeff

Answer 1:

My answer depends on whether you're impatient because you're genuinely puzzled by her neutral approach or if it's because of your own insecurity. Each of us needs to be clear in our own minds who we are and what we want rather than expect others to reassure us or prop us up. Therefore, if you really like this woman and you think there's a chance of a real relationship, just hang on a little longer without pushing too much. Dating someone new is always awkward because the boundaries are as yet undefined and the parties are not totally at ease. It's far better for any relationship to be based on friendship first and then unfold naturally. When it feels right, you will know when to move the situation onto a more personal plane. She may be the sort of person who doesn't show her feelings outwardly so it may be up to you to take a chance and make the first move. I think you'll soon find out if she's interested in you as a man or as a mate. Trust yourself and you won't go wrong.

Question 2:

I've been living with a guy for two years. We have a good relationship generally but for the fact he doesn't want to make a commitment and he doesn't want to jointly own property or anything like that. I feel as if he wants things to stay open-ended so he can leave if he feels like it. I've put this to him but he says he loves me and is very happy as things are. He pays me a set amount towards household expenses each week and we live a very elegant lifestyle but I need more from him. He's always got an excuse if I ask for more money and I'm just feeling very insecure about the whole situation. Should I force an ultimatum or leave well enough alone, hoping for the best?
Marg

Answer 2:

You don't have to hope for the best in life. You are allowed to stand up for what you want but you don't have to be aggressive about it. Rather than just asking and getting fobbed off, set a deadline for a decision to be made between you. That way, it doesn't feel like an ultimatum as such. Just make it clear that you're not happy with the current situation and you'd like to make some positive changes. Try also to get to the bottom of his reluctance to commit. Perhaps he's been badly hurt in the past and is wary of tying himself up again. If you want to get married or in some other way formalize your relationship, and he doesn't, there could be a serious problem brewing that requires immediate repair. Once you know what you're dealing with it, you have options and can move more clearly onto a decision about your future, with or without this man. Honesty and communication are the two key factors in a healthy relationship. Make sure you employ these and the rest will work out.

Question 3:

Thank you for reaching out and having a human and humane touch to people. I had a terrible childhood and an inquiring mind and have been haunted for an answer to this question: Is there a mental disease, a diagnosis, for people who are neglectful and abusive to their own children, while acting perfectly normally socially and would deny any fault in themselves if asked AND treat everyone else outside the home in caring and considerate, even loving, fashion???
If you can help me with an answer, where I can read further and do my own research, you will be helping me to try to solve an old mystery that yet affects me and my siblings lives.
Thank you for your kindness.
Sincerely,
Annette

Answer 3:

This is a far more common scenario than you might think. It's not a mental disorder as such unless accompanied by other pathology. It's more to do with learned behavior. If you're speaking about one of your own parents, it's most likely they have modeled themselves on some childhood pattern that they witnessed and absorbed. It's about masks and persona, which is putting on a `face' that is acceptable to the world but is not real. People who lead double lives like that are deeply insecure and don't like themselves. They burn up so much energy hiding all their perceived faults; they create incredible stress which has to be unleashed somewhere, usually onto those nearest to them. That's why it's so important to accept ourselves in our wholeness, light and dark. I hope this basic explanation helps you to understand a bit better and more importantly, prevent yourself from perpetuating the problem by continuing it yourself. I'm sorry for your painful childhood but as you say, you have an enquiring mind and this will empower you to live a full and happy life now as an adult.

Question 4:

I love my husband but I can rarely reach an orgasm. I can only climax when I'm drunk. He tries so very hard to please me, but I just can't seem to do it when I'm sober. Any advice?

Answer 4:

This seems to be to be an issue of inhibition. Alcohol helps us to let ourselves go and that must be why you can only climax when drunk. It's not very flattering for your guy so after a couple of glasses of wine, when you're just feeling nice and mellow, why not relax and practice making love pleasurably at that time? You could have a general issue with orgasm such as too much mind control, poor technique on your lover's part or fear of being vulnerable so deal with these things separately. Masturbate by yourself when you're cold sober and get to know your body and what it responds to.

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